Non-Creepy Networking: Party Etiquette
Note: This is Part 1 in a series of articles about non-creepy networking. There’s just too much to say to get it all out in one article.
Networking. What an awful word. It's one of those things that we all have to do from time to time (or at least have been told we have to do). Some people are natural networkers and effortlessly pump acquaintances into their friend pool and some people collapse at the thought of approaching a stranger at an industry event. I can’t say I’m an “expert” networker (and I don’t know if I’d trust someone who calls themselves one), but I can offer some advice about how to not come off as a total creeper in various situations and how to use your extroversion or introversion to your advantage.
First off I should state that whether or not you’re good at networking has everything to do with what you believe “networking” actually is. I’m a very extroverted person (possibly the most extroverted person you’ll ever meet)—I derive all of my energy from meeting and talking to people. If you watch me at a party, you can tell from my body language that I’m all in. I want to hear all about you and your crazy back story. I don’t care that you just told me something way too personal because by the end of this conversation you and I will have already planned a weekend at a weird naked hippie spa together. I don’t “network”, I make friends.
If you’re like me, networking is relatively easy because it is absolutely transparent to every person you meet that you are interested in who they are as a person rather than what they have to offer you. This is a huge distinction and is what separates the effortless networkers from their more smarmy-seeming counterparts. This isn’t to say that the thought never crosses your mind that the person you’re talking to would possibly hire you in the future / would want to collaborate sometime / would pass your name along to so and so—but the thought of these possibilities takes second seat to the joy you get from just meeting and getting to know them. Additionally, the further along you are in your career the more you understand that the most random connections lead to the most interesting opportunities, which makes it exciting to meet anyone and everyone.
Extroverts, with their endless energy for meeting people, excel in party environments but may have issues making a lasting impression or remembering the names of the people they meet. When you spend an entire night in a flurry of social pollination, you have few meaningful interactions. This isn’t a terrible thing as long as you treat parties as a form of social reconnaissance—many brief superficial meetings may lead to a few significant friendships / partnerships later.
If you’re an introvert, industry parties are not exactly your favorite places to be. It’s difficult to have in-depth one-on-one conversations (an area in which introverts often excel) in loud and crowded environments. I’m married to an introvert, so have come to understand their modus operandi quite well. Introverts aren’t anti-social, they just recharge their batteries through quiet contemplative activities. For introverts, parties, while fun, are exhausting and must be followed by decompression time. For extroverts, parties are decompression time. Russ (my dude) and I understand each other’s social needs—he doesn’t make me leave a party just because he’s overly-socialized and I don’t make him come to parties when he needs a mellow night in.
Understanding yourself and your specific social needs is the first key to bettering your networking skills. If you’re an extrovert, use your skills to bumble-bee around parties, but when you meet someone that you have real friend-chemistry with, take time to get to know them and set up a one-on-one coffee date in the near future. Without these more personal and intimate exchanges later, the connections you make won’t take hold. If you’re an introvert, embrace your solo zen power sessions and know that crazy frenetic party environments can and do lead to hangouts that are more your speed.
Here are a few tips and advice for busy party environments which should help whether or not you are a natural people-person.
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Go to the party alone.
I know that going to an event by yourself reminds you of that time you went stag to a school dance and had to sit out all the slow dances, but it is incredibly helpful to show up unattached at an industry party. By bringing a friend, especially the boy- or girl- variety, you all but annihilate the chances of a someone walking up to you to start a conversation. Whenever you walk up to a couple or group of people, it’s hard not to “interrupt” them. If you hover too long without saying anything, it’s extra creepy. If you barge in and actually interrupt their conversation, it’s rude. People that would have politely introduced themselves to you in the bar line will be too intimidated to do so if you’re surrounded by friends or sequestered to a corner with your significant other.
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Greetings: Just go with it.
Some people handshake, some people hug, some people give you endless kisses on the cheek (Europeans). In every social interaction, one person usually leads with the greeting and the other person goes with it. They have to. If the person you’re meeting goes in for a hug, don’t switch it up for a handshake, even if hugging isn’t really your thing. If he or she goes in for a handshake, don’t try to force a hug on them. Someone makes the first move and the other person just has to give in and go with it—if not it’s incredibly awkward and leads to a lot of limp handshakes and accidental elbows to the face. One of my friends was greeted with a fist pound once and instead of complying he grabbed the person’s fist and shook it. In retrospect, it’s hilarious. In the moment though—so awkward.
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Be a good introducer.
This goes for both introducing yourself, and introducing your friends to others. I know name tags are super dorky, but good lord are they amazing at parties. If you’re at a name-tag-less party, you just need to know how to navigate the ever-awkward beginning of conversation name exchange.
- Make sure you always lead with your first name (or first and last name if you’re introducing yourself to someone you worked with in the past or talked to online but never met in real life). You can introduce yourself by first and last name if you wish, but I always find that it seems a little more humble and casual if you use first name only except for in the case above.
- If you’ve met before, lead with your first name (or first and last name) and the context in which you previously met—it’s polite to re-introduce yourself if you haven’t become besties since your first meeting. Even if you’ve met on multiple occasions, re-introducing yourself is always a smart move—people, especially very busy people, have terrible memories. Hey Stephen! Karen! We met at SXSW ages ago but I’m sure you don’t remember.
- If you’re introducing a friend to a stranger, you can also include a little bio about them and call them out for something awesome they did. I definitely wouldn’t recommend introducing yourself this way, as it can come off as self-congratulatory, but you can definitely give props to a friend and watch them flush pink from your flattering comments. Stephen! This is my friend Jennifer McPerson, she’s a really awesome designer—you may have seen X project, it was featured on Brand New this week!
- The biggest tip I can give you to up your introducing skills is to always assume that whoever you’re talking to knows nothing about you or your work. No matter how big of a deal you are, if you abide by this rule, you win at life. A friend of mine met Paul Rudd once at a bar and he introduced himself by just saying “Hi! My name’s Paul! What’s yours?” Doesn’t that make you have an even bigger crush on Paul Rudd? There isn’t a person alive that doesn’t appreciate humility.
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Introducing yourself to someone you admire
Approaching someone that you have an intense sweaty girl-crush on can be one of the most terrifying things you ever do, but know that it doesn’t have to be weird and awkward and can sometimes even lead to a lasting friendship (or a lovely online pen-pal situation). Of course all of the above rules apply, but here are some additional quickie tips for talking to someone you have a person crush on:
- Find a common interest. A great way to start a conversation with someone you admire (before you say anything about them or their work), is to compliment them on something they’re wearing. I have a friend that has had a ton of 10 minute conversations with celebrities because when he saw them on the street he’d approach them to ask them where they got their shoes / bag. The celebrity would be so thrown off by the incredible normal-ness of the interaction that they’d end up having a few-minutes long conversation.
- Keep compliments short and sweet. It’s ok to give them a compliment, but don’t lavish them with praises for minutes on end. Some people have a hard time accepting praise and are terrified of seeming egotistical, so the best way to give a compliment is to give it swiftly. I love your work! That thing you did for that client was so awesome! They should be able to give you a polite Thanks! and that’s that.
- Be respectful of their time. They, like you, are there to meet people and hang out with friends. Keep your conversation short and sweet, especially if you notice that there are a couple of other folks around waiting to say hi or introduce themselves.
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Don’t be a “close talker”.
Everyone has different needs in terms of personal space, and one of the fastest ways to creep someone out is to get too close to them when having a conversation. If you google “personal space diagram” you’ll see all sorts of sociological visualizations of the degrees of person proximity okay-ness.
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Don’t talk about work.
It’s a party! People are there to have fun. You can of course compliment someone on something they’ve done if you want, but don’t turn your nice friendly interaction into an impromptu interview. Hopefully you have other interests that translate well to small talk—I find that television is the greatest equalizer. I can have hours long conversations about how much I hate or love certain television shows. Let your freak flag fly—talking about your strange interests will just make you all the more memorable to everyone you meet. Next thing you know, they’ll be inviting you along to their D&D weekend getaway.
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The Business Card Dance
I love a beautifully designed business card, but I definitely find the process of exchanging cards to be incredibly awkward. I’d recommend that if you desperately want to hand your business cards out at a party (and no one is asking you for one) have a fun and honest excuse about why you absolutely must give them out.
- I’m sorry, I just got 500 business cards made and I’ll feel like such an idiot if I don’t give at least one of them out at this party.
- I’m dying to get new cards made but I will feel like such a tree-destroyer if I don’t get rid of these first—have one!
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Have a conversation exit strategy.
One of the toughest things to deal with at a party is how to politely exit a conversation—whether it’s because you’re ready to or because you can sense that the person you’re talking to is ready to but is too polite to just walk away. Look at the body language of whomever you’re talking to and if it seems like they’re dying to move on, cut out before it gets weird. There are endless excuses for exiting a conversation in a polite and respectful way, and I’ve listed a number of them below.
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Discarding Stuff: There will always be something that you have on your person that you suddenly need to get rid of, be it a coat, a bag, a piece of trash in your pocket, or the soiled napkin from party snacks. You can easily use this as a walk-away excuse.
- I’ve been here an hour and I still have my coat on, I’m going to go check it.
- I’ve been holding this empty cup for 20 minutes, I’m going to go find a recycling bin.
- I’ve been lugging around my laptop all day, I’m going to go see if they can store it for me.
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Getting a Drink: You’re probably thinking that this excuse can only be implemented a couple of times without looking like an alcoholic, but there’s always a reason to head to the bar, be it for a fresh drink, a refill, or a glass of water.
- I need a drink!
- I need a water to chase this drink.
- This drink is gross, I’m going to go get another one.
- I told my friend I was getting them a drink and I got side tracked, they probably hate me right now.
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Fresh Air: Sometimes you just need a breather.
- I’m going to go get some air.
- It’s so crowded right here, I’m going to migrate to the less busy part of the room.
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Something’s Come Up: That smart phone you have in your pocket is just full of excuses for exiting a conversation. It’s a universal truth that the work day doesn’t end at 5pm anymore, and sometimes you just have to go take care of shit for a little bit.
- I’m waiting to hear back about a job that would be basically due tomorrow EOD—I’m just going to sneak away and check my email for a second.
- I just saw I had a voicemail and I don’t recognize the number—I’m just going to make sure it’s not something important or that someone’s not stealing my identity.
- Sorry, I have to go put out a massive client fire right now.
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Friends: It’s a party. Parties are for catching up with a ton of people, so you can absolutely use other friends in the room as a reason for ending a current conversation.
- Oh! I just spotted my friend across the room and I haven’t seen them in forever!
- I lost track of my friend that I came with, I’m just going to make sure she’s not getting hit on by a creepy dude.
- I’m going to go mingle! So many people here that I haven’t seen in a long time. Let’s catch up later!
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Miscellaneous: As you now probably know, there are a million legitimate reasons to exit a conversation. Here are a few random ones that I’ve used truthfully in the past:
- My phone’s about to die, I’m going to go try to find an outlet.
- If I don’t eat something right now I’m going to murder someone.
- I’m going to run to the ladies room.
- I think I left my car unlocked...
- Oh! I left my sweater on a chair over there, I’m going to make sure no one stole it.
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Discarding Stuff: There will always be something that you have on your person that you suddenly need to get rid of, be it a coat, a bag, a piece of trash in your pocket, or the soiled napkin from party snacks. You can easily use this as a walk-away excuse.
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Mind your Alcohol Consumption.
Just because alcohol is being served at the party, doesn’t mean you need to drink like it’s your last night on earth.
- Don’t get wasted. Have a drink or two (or more if you’re there for a while) to loosen up if that’s your thing, but don’t get sloppy. I save my sloppy-getting for circle-of-trust scenarios only. You definitely don’t want to be remembered as the slurry drunk person at the party, no matter how funny you think you are when you’re wasted.
- Don’t force people to do shots with you. You’re not at a frat party. Don’t be that persistent a-hole that makes it their mission in life to get everyone around them outrageously drunk. Also, you’re not 21 anymore, drink like an adult.
- Consider your drink choice. I’m a lady and a whisk[e]y drinker—I definitely notice the raised eyebrows and half smiles I get when I walk up to the bar and order scotch neat with a water back. I’m not saying that everyone has to drink classic cocktails or snobby manly alcohols, but you will definitely get some “nice move” head nods from strangers for solid drink choices. If you just love fruity lady drinks, own it. If someone calls you out on the mai tai you ordered on a cold January night, respond “Mai tais are fucking delicious. Try and deny it.”
- Faking it. If you don’t want to drink at all, but don’t want to have to explain why you’re not drinking every five minutes when people offer to get you drinks, order soda water with lime (which looks like a gin and tonic) or a coke (which looks like a rum and coke). You can stay stone sober and not have to deal with people asking you if you’re pregnant all night.
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Eventually, go home.
I have definitely been the last man standing at a party before—clinging to conversations even after the lights have been turned up and the janitorial staff starts cleaning up. It’s awkward. Go home! There will be more parties.